Monday, October 10, 2005

Mom, if you aren't in the mood for a real good cry,please don't read. I love you!!!

Who you'd be today by Kenny Chesney

I heard this song for the first time last night (to Mr. Funs amazement because he's had it on itunes for a long while now) and it hit way too close to home.
Its amazes me that the pain can be so strong after so many years.
My brother was 19 when he died. It was a shock, I was only 14. Looking back I had no idea how it would impact my life. Theres not a day that goes by that i don't think "what if?". I look at my children, my heart aches to see my brother holding them, playing with them. I wonder if I would be "Aunt Misti" by now or if he would just be "Uncle DJ" that spolied my kids because he didn't have any.

I remember the last conversation I had with him like it was yesterday. It was on his birthday, He was so excited about his new motorcycle, i think it was the first "brand new" motorcycle he had owned. The ones before were used. So he couldn't wait to take me for a ride. We had plans to ride up the coast. That ride never happened. I never did get a chance to ride with him on that motorcycle. I remember him saying "you moving out here after the school year ends,right?" But I can't remember the sound of his voice . No matter how hard I try or how badly I want to. Time has taken that from me but left the pain just as strong as if I was 14.

The one question I hate to be asked, the one question that puts a pit of cement in my stonmach everytime, the question I still stumble on when asked is "do you have any siblings?". I still don't know how to answer that. I know the answer is yes but then the following question come. Brother,sister,age and all those things that normal people are curious about. I still stumble and hold back the tears.

The phone call came in the late evening. It was my mom. She told me not to go to school tomorrow. That she would be there as early as she could. I was confused. My cousins and I talked late into the night pondering what could be going on. Was it one of our cousins,was it DJ? what happened. I knew though. I knew deep down it was my brother and I knew something horrible had happened. I didn't sleep well that night. The next morning my mom and step dad arrived. The only thing i remember is running around the living room. I didn't cry. I remember screaming but no tears.
I needed to get to the school to get my best friend,Kaci Ladd. She and my brother were close, they liked to flirt. I always thought they would end up together.
I called my boyfriend at the time to come get me. (he just happened to be suspended so he was home)
Walking through those big doors,into the office. The smell just hits you that this is a school. I told the secertary what was going on, they tried to kick my boyfriend out because he wasn't allowed to be on campus.(I promise he wasn't a loser) I demanded he stay. Kaci finally came through those doors and no words had to be said.
I don't remember the rest of that day.

to be continued.................
Posted by Misti :: 8:37 AM :: 10 People having fun

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